Old Memories and Lost Memories
by ShallowGlass
Summary: A quick one shot between the relationship between Spike and Faye told from Faye's PoV. Set before she found out about her past and how she's dealing with the pain of not knowing who she used to be.


**I DO NOT CLAIM ANY RIGHT TO COWBOY BEBOP, ITS PLOT, CHARACTERS, OR SETTING. **

Faye Valentine laid flat on her back, solemnly staring at Bebop's ceiling. Her room was dark; only the single lamp on the nightstand was on. The glow it cast was dim and did no more the slightly illuminate the small bedroom. She was laying there thinking about what she always thought about in the middle of the night when she couldn't sleep. Faye was thinking about herself. Not egotistically mind you, but about whom she was. She couldn't remember anything after waking from being cryogenically frozen. She was thinking about how all the members of Bebop accepted her despite her flighty personality and lack of conviction. She was thinking about her future. She was thinking about a lot of things, but she was mostly thinking about her past. Actually, she was attempting to think about her past. She was trying to remember something she wasn't even sure existed anymore and it left this strange emptiness inside of her. It was an uncomfortable feeling, constantly gnawing at her at and reminding her of its existence. This was the sort of feeling that was usually accompanied by nostalgia; however, in this case, nostalgia was absent. Faye was left with the feeling of being consumed by this emptiness. However, as much as wanted to pry into her own mind and remember who she really was, a strange feeling always made her second guess herself. What was it? That queer foreboding feeling she got when she tried to dig up the recesses of her mind? It felt almost as if her mind was _warning_ her. It was warning that she shouldn't dig up those memories.

Faye sat, internally at a standstill. Her memories were looping and she was trapped within these until a group of thoughts broke the cycle. All these thoughts revolved around Spike Spiegel. Who he was and what he was. He was a bounty hunter and a damn good one. He was a quiet, secretive man and just like everybody else on Bebop, he had a past. A traumatizing, painful past that he seemed to carry with him everywhere he went. He had proven himself again and again to be a more than competent bounty hunter and yet he couldn't shake off those old memories.

_At least he has old memories._

Faye shook her head. Her mind was trying to get her back into the loop. The desperate never ending loop that was sure to drive her insane before long. She thought of Spike again. She always thought of Spike when she got like this. Spike was the key to breaking her mental chain. She hated him for that but loved him for it all the same. She wondered what Spike's past was. Of course, it was an unspoken rule on Bebop to avoid infringing on the others' pasts, but she was still a bit curious. She wasn't sure why, perhaps she just wanted to know what made the man so cold, so…empty. Empty. Empty like her. They were empty for different reasons, opposite reasons, but the emptiness was still there. It was practically tangible within her and she could see the same emptiness when she looked into his eyes.

Faye thought of Spike, she wondered what he thought of her. She wondered who he thought she was. She often wondered who she really was. Who was she?

_Poker Alice._

Faye violently shook her head at that thought. She grabbed one of her pillows and threw it across the room. She'd be damned if she was Poker Alice. That was a nickname given to her; it really meant nothing to her. That wasn't her past, that wasn't who she was; it was simply a persona she adopted to adapt to this world.

_You are Poker Alice._

"Shut up!" she shouted angrily at the voice in her head.

She heard Ein bark from somewhere in Bebop, he must've heard her. Not that it mattered; she was already throwing things around her room. She hated this. She hated her mind. She hated how it was trying to get her to accept her for what she was now, not who she might've been. She hated _herself_ for being unable to accept the now, she hated that she was dwelling on a past that almost promised to be unpleasant. Faye snarled angrily as she tossed her sheets around and threw her pillows into the wall. She needed to attempt to be quiet in her rage lest she wanted to wake the whole ship. After a few minutes, she calmed. Well, she was exhausted, both mentally and physically; she wasn't exactly _calm_. She was trapped in her mind and she hated her solution for this, but without even thinking twice, Faye walked toward Spike's room.

She abhorred her solution to her problems. She was using Spike and she was pretty sure he was using her too. They had bedded together on numerous occasions, each time getting so lost in each other that she wasn't sure where she ended and he began. She used his body to break her traitorous mind's vicious cycle. It may be a temporary solution, but even a few hours of relief was enough to get her through another day. It's not like she was like this every night, only one or two nights a week. Usually she was too exhausted from the day's activities to think like this, but they haven't had a job in a week and her mind wasn't staying busy enough. So, to compensate, it decided to torture her until she couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes she would leave Bebop for weeks at a time to deal with this herself. However, some time ago, she and Spike had come together. She wasn't exactly sure how it had happened, but she knew why it happened.

Faye stood outside his door. It was 1:30AM. Spike Spiegel was most definitely asleep. Faye giggled; a surprisingly feminine and bubbly sound despite the somber mood she was in. He was asleep, but he wouldn't be for long because he would grant her her selfish wish without hesitation.

Faye opened the door slowly, wondering why she was taking such precautions when she was going to wake him within moments anyway. The raven haired woman slipped inside and made sure to quietly close the door behind her. She looked at the bed and there, in all his glory, was Spike, shirtless and sleeping. The remainder of his bulk was under the blankets and he looked comfortable. His face looked almost peaceful and she felt a sting in her chest. Whatever he was dreaming about it was pleasant and she was about to drag him from that dream and back into their sepulchral reality.

Faye began to strip, dropping her evening gown to the floor; her panties soon followed suit. She slowly padded over to Spike's bed and crawled under the covers. The bed creaked with her added weight and he shifted slightly in his sleep. She cuddled up next to him and his body heat greeted her immediately. She sighed into his back and pressed closer to him. As comfortable as she was, she came here for a reason and her mind quickly reminded her of that reason. It began to try to loop again and she needed Spike to save her from that loop.

"Spike…Spike, wake up…" she whispered tentatively into his ear.

Spike turned over and opened his eyes groggily. He was greeted with Faye's brilliant viridian eyes staring back at him. She smiled at him; her smile was somewhere between pleasant and mildly seductive. Faye knew she didn't have to even try with Spike. Men found her attractive; no, that wasn't quite right, they found her _gorgeous_. She wasn't sure why, maybe she just gave off a ton of pheromones. Whatever the reason was, she had men kissing her feet for a chance to get in bed with her. She was also naturally seductive, a fact she wasn't consciously aware of that made her that much more desirable. She watched his eyes quickly brighten with recognition and understanding. She didn't need to say anything more; Spike had wrapped his powerful arms around her shoulders and pulled her in close to him. This intimate gesture was not lost on Faye; she buried her face into the junction between his neck and shoulder, taking in his scent.

_God he smells amazing…_

She inhaled more and could feel her body responding. Her body remembers the nights she and Spike shared together. She found that, when it was him, she needed nothing more than his stare or his scent to make her weak at the knees. She couldn't remember if she had always been this loose of a woman, or if it was just Spike, but right now it didn't matter. He tilted her head back so he could kiss her and that was it. Her mind and body were being enveloped with Spike Spiegel. He was taking her; letting her runaway from herself. Faye smiled into the kiss as she felt his erection press up against her thigh. She had the same effect on his body as he had on hers. She moaned into the kiss as he lazily groped at her breasts. It wasn't as if he was halfheartedly groping at them; he was simply too absorbed in the kiss to be able to put much attention into what his hands were doing. He tweaked her already hard nipples and she quickly wrapped her legs around one of his own, effectively putting her core on one of his thighs. This time it was his turn and he grunted into the kiss as he felt her hot sex on his leg.

Faye moved her hips against him, quietly moaning as the friction began to lessen thanks to her lubrication and she could grind more smoothly. She could feel him slowly moving his hips as well, rubbing his erection between her outer thigh and his inner thigh. Faye was throbbing and wanted release. She pulled herself from the kiss and looked at him. He looked back at her, slightly confused.

"Faye?"

His voice sounded somewhere between curious and groggy; an odd mixture to say the least. Nonetheless she smiled her seductive smile and adjusted their positions so that she was sitting on him. She bent back down to kiss him before focusing her attention on her sex. She put herself on his erection and moved her hips back and forth. She heard him moan and responded with her own. His member was coated with her fluid and she began moving so fast she wasn't exactly sure which direction she was moving in. Faye could've kept going until she came if he hadn't seized her hips first. She looked down at him, slightly peeved and ready to go off on him until she saw the look in his eyes. He looked…_desperate_.

"Fuck…Faye…I can't hold on much longer, put it in, please."

His voice was breathy and needy; Faye felt a powerful bolt of pleasure shoot through her. She could feel his throbbing organ beneath her and knew that he really wouldn't hold out much longer. As she prepared to put him in, she wondered what exactly she was doing.

_Having sex with Spike Spiegel._

Yeah she knew that, but why?

_Because you're both too weak to keep living alone._

Faye didn't quite comprehend that last part; Spike had thrust himself into her and a loud moan tore from her throat. He greedily grabbed her hips and controlled their rhythm. He was moving hard and fast and the only thing she could do was use his shoulders as some sort of support. Spike was good at sex. He was _damn_ good at sex. She was losing track of time and couldn't even remember what day it was or where they were. All she knew was that they were having sex and he was bringing her to an intense orgasm.

"Faye…Faye, I'm going to cum…"

As the words slowly escaped his mouth, Faye could feel him impossibly thrusting faster.

"Spike…me…too…don't stop…"

Faye's words came between moans and he soon grunted and painfully squeezed her hips, releasing himself within her. Faye threw her head back and her mouth opened in an "O" as she practically screamed and dug her nails into his shoulders. Her thigh and stomach muscles convulsed and her vision went white. Wave after wave of orgasmic pleasure coursed through her body and she was vaguely aware of Spike pulling her to his chest. When she finally came back down, she sighed into his chest. His arms were lazily draped over the small of her back and she was twirling her fingers in his thick brown hair.

As their breaths began to come slower, she heard herself asking a dangerous question.

"Who am I?"

She asked quietly, almost to herself, after all, what sort of answer could he give her? He had his own problems and didn't need to deal with hers. However, he did reply and his answer shocked her.

"You are Poker Alice."

She felt tears well up in her eyes. His voice was so calm and confident. Was that really who be believed she was?!

"You are Faye Valentine."

Faye flinched with the second line. What exactly did he mean?

"Spike…I don't understand…"

Even to herself her words sounded shaky and uncertain. Did she really want to know what he meant?

_Yes._

"You are Faye Valentine. You are Poker Alice. You can't be anything more or less than that. You are who you are Faye. Asking me a question as trivial as 'Who am I?' wasn't really a bright idea. I see you as you have always been in my eyes and will always be. Who you were doesn't matter to me and will never matter to me. I don't care. What I do care about is who you are now. You are my comrade. You are a member of Bebop."

Faye shifted on his chest. She was crying. It wasn't obnoxious, but she could feel tears trailing down her cheeks.

"Damn you Spike Spiegel…"

She tried to sound angry but instead sounded broken. He wrapped his arms around her tighter and silently let her cry. Several minutes later she rose from his chest and began to dress again.

"You're leaving?"

"You know I never stay."

"That's right. 'Night Faye."

"'Night Spike."

And with that she walked away from his room; from his warmth. She put her bed back together and laid down on it. She stared at the ceiling once more, but instead of looping, her mind was simply thinking of what he said. She smiled to herself. She would find out who she used to be eventually, but he was right. For now, she was Poker Alice. She was Faye Valentine and that's all that mattered on Bebop. Whether or not finding out about her past would change her, well, she would only know when the time came. For now, Faye closed her eyes and drifted into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
